I have never truly felt like an adult. If you put me in the middle of a room with a group of people ten years younger than me on one side and ten years older than me on the other side and asked me to identify “my people” I would probably throw myself on the ground, curl up in the fetal position and sob hysterically about how all I really want is a Cookie Dough Blizzard and WHY WON’T YOU TAKE ME TO DAIRY QUEEN YOU ARE SO MEAN.
I’m not sure when I’ll start to feel like a grown-up. I have owned a house, several cars, been gainfully employed for many years and basically walked the walk. If I don’t feel like a grown-up yet I think I probably never will. Maybe when I start needing to get colonoscopies. So not for awhile.
These are six of my least favorite totally lame things about adulthood.
1. Things that were awesome as a teenager make you a loser as an adult.
Sleeping till the afternoon, stealing from your parent’s liquor cabinet, bumming cigarettes from strangers outside of convenience stores, watching TV and eating Doritos all day… These things are not only no longer cool, but they will make people actively avoid you. Because you’re a hobo.
2. No more free taxis.
As a kid, I knew that I could call Mom and Dad at any hour of the night and they would come get me pretty much wherever I was, even if they weren’t happy about it. As an adult, the only time it’s really acceptable to make your parents come and get you is if you’ve been mugged, your phone has been stolen and their phone number is the only one you have memorized. Otherwise, refer to #1.
3. Dude, the paperwork.
Medical insurance, auto insurance, life insurance and OMG taxes. It would have been nice to be warned about all the forms.
4. Turning down invitations becomes a little more complicated.
“My mom won’t let me go out tonight” carries a much different (and weirder) meaning when you’re thirty than it did when you were seventeen. This gets much easier if you have kids.
5. Professional Moms are prohibitively expensive.
Need someone to book your Doctor’s visits, plan your extracurriculars, coordinate your transportation and make sure you’re where you need to be when you need to be there? That’s called a Personal Assistant now and you probably can’t afford their services.
6. Your body starts calling the shots.
What’s that? You’d like to stay up until 4am drinking whiskey and eating burritos? I’m so sorry, but your aching head and sore knees have other plans and they all involve Ibuprofen and your bed. Also? I feel like maybe it’s time that you started covering up more of your ass at the beach so I stuck a few cellulite dimples back there. You’re welcome. Sincerely, Your Body.
What about adulthood are you the least thrilled about?